Mixed

As a father, today was one of the most difficult days of my life.  Today (Saturday morning Aug 2nd), Crystal and I and 3 of our children hopped on a bus at 6am to make our way from Kachele near Ndola to Lusaka to head home.  Only one thing was missing...we left Celine in Zambia to begin her year of service with Hands at Work.   Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited for Celine and I support her as she follows God's direction for her life, but for some reason I never thought of what this day would be like and how truly hard it would be.

So the bus started rolling and I looked to the window of the dining room and saw my little girl, the little girl I had the privilege of welcoming into this world 19 years ago (officially tomorrow the 3rd), and I lost it.  The tears flowed for the next hour as I leaned forward with my head in my hands and I sobbed.  I was leaving my firstborn in a country 23 hours of flight time away and I even had some shortness of breath.  She isn't living a days drive away (even though I know that would be very hard too), she isn't going to university and living in a dorm away from home (again a change that would take some getting used too); she is a long, long ways away.

I was relieved to hear a couple hours into our bus ride from Christa through a text she received from the farm that Celine was doing well and her and Ashley were watching a movie.  I felt a bit better but the tears continued to flow on and off throughout the day and now as I sit on the plane from JoBurg to London and the tears came again, I felt compelled to write to try and deal with some of the emotions I feel.

Celine will be well looked after by the Hands family and she is a strong young lady but that doesn't take away the fact that her daddy will not be there for her at the end of a long day when she had a rough day and just needs to talk. She won't be there on Saturday mornings for waffle breakfasts.  She won't be there for evening meals, she won't be there at Christmas, and on and on.  Daddy is taking this pretty hard;  harder than I thought I would.

But, as I said earlier, she is following God's leading for her life and so I allow Celine to spread her wings and I will pray for His protection over her every day.  I will email her and message her and skype with her (maybe not every day but...), and we will remain connected daddy to one of his little girls and Celine to her family.

Celine, as you read this I want to publicly (through this blog) tell you again how proud I am of you (and each of your siblings and your mom share that).  You are a beautiful young lady that is following not only a dream but, and I can't say it enough, God's leading for your life.  I love you, I admire you, and my tears, while bringing up sadness, are only there because I left a piece of my heart and my family a long ways away.  And by the way, I am so glad that you kept my hoodie with you as I feel like you kept a part of me with you there.  And that makes me happy!

One last thing, it is so interesting to see patterns in life repeat themselves.  When your mom and I started getting to know each other off she went to Briercrest, 2 provinces away for a year of bible school.  Your grandpa, who drove long haul truck to Ontario at the time, loaded up your mom in the truck and off they went to Saskatchewan, mom sobbing the entire way and I have to believe grandpa was shedding tears as well; especially after unloading your moms stuff and then hitting the road seeing mom crying in the rear view mirror.  Uncanny, but I now can appreciate how hard that was for grandpa.  Dad, I know you would also be so proud of Celine, and, I get it!!!

Love you Celine and happy 19th birthday,
Daddy


Hmmmm..... My turn now to write. Like frank said, we are on route to Heathrow and then home. I have taken my sleeping pill; just waiting for it to knock me out!!!!! It is a long travel time to Africa, but always well worth it.

As before, 2 years ago, I feel mixed coming home. I love Africa and it's poor and vulnerable people. Such selfless and loving folks who give me life lessons each time I am with them. I love this country and feel for its people who live in poverty, war, injustice, etc. Over and over again I have been shown love and generosity and patience. Oh such patience these people have; to answer my questions, wait for us as we make just "one more stop" on the way back to Kachele for the day, and walk with me and us to homes that are a long walk for us all. Along paths they have already trodden that day as they came to the school to serve the kids and now take us along those same paths to visit the homes of the children in the school; only to turn around after we leave and walk back home again. Such smiles and generous grace!

I knew a long time ago that my heart lay partially in this large and beautiful country. The people, their stories, the stars and sunsets...... All call me here. And like Frank wrote in an earlier blog, we feel at peace this time returning home to our country and our family and friends here, while at the same planning on investing our time and money to help give the African people a hope and a future. God will direct as he knows best.

All this to say, while in the past, my heart has stayed partially here for Africa itself. This time is different. This time I leave a piece of my heart, myself here with Celine. It felt so strange to leave her here. To leave her; knowing it will be a year til we see her in person again. At our stops on the bus ride to Lusaka, we kept counting her, then realized that, "oh yeah, she isn't with us". It's not a good feeling. I tried to be strong, and in many ways I felt strong. I wanted to support my hubbie and our other children through this ordeal. I feel so happy for her; that she is pursuing her heart and God's call. And I feel especially proud of her courage, given that she deals with anxiety on a daily basis. Talk about a huge step forward in her personal growth!!!!

But as we walked across the Tarmac to walk up to the plane, steps to take us out of Zambia, my tears fell. All I wanted to do was drive back and go get her. Knowing her fear and apprehension (all so normal at this time); I wanted to run back and rescue her. Take her in my arms and not let her go. I remember distinctly the day she was born; so many pictures of her life now float across my mind. I'm sure other passengers wondered what on earth this adult woman was doing crying on the plane!

But, I knew I couldn't go back and get her. I know that she is in the best place at this time. That God has her here in Africa to do a wonderful work in her life and in the lives of people she will work alongside. That His purposes are greater than what we are aware of. I am convinced that He will care for her, tend to her needs, and love on her. He will use others around her to be the mom I cannot physically be at this time. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will be with her in her highest highs and her hardest lows. He is a good God. And she is His precious child.

"So Celine, if and when you read this, remember my words to you over the last few days. That you can do this, that I am proud of you, to remember why you wanted to come in the first place, and to pursue God with all your heart and mind. I know a bit of how you feel; panicky and fearful. But trust in Him who is greater than he who is in the world. And remember how quickly a year goes by, how much you will grow and become an adult young woman who deeply loves God and others, and how much you are loved. May God bless you and keep you until I see you again."

Much love,

Mom